1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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