Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
