The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
