$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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