you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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