i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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