I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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