i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
