I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
