A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
