It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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