Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize