Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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