So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Someone shit on the floor
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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