On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
