just tell him i said nine months
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
