I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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