My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
