she looked like the before picture.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
