I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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