me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
