I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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