A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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