remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
