Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
