We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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