I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
