I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
