My friends, they love my intelligence
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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