i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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