Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
