How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
