1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
