I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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