everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
