Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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