I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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