So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
