Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
