Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
