Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
