i wish there were pregnant emoticons
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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