I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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