Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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