i think my tv is drunk
After last night, I could never be a politician.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize