I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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