I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
