I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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