ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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