She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
