you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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