I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i now understand why vodka
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
