I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
