can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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