I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
