he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
