either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
