Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
