Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
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