I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
