WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
