I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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